The World's Mirror

“She pe this is how I will not be able to tell my kids that I used to carry first in school le le yi?” I sat before my book trying to read, but as usual, my heart wandered away from the book. I think and imagine a lot and my mind doesn’t have a specific time for these things; so I can get carried away anywhere and anytime. The thought of me having to tell my kids that their mother used to be a dumb student sent some chills down my spine… Sorry, maybe dumb is an exaggeration😂😂. I wasn’t that bad, at least I passed two subjects (English Language and C.R.S) effortlessly. I didn’t need to read to pass these subjects. So lemme say I was a Junior to a mediocre🙌🏽😂😂.
Apparently, I used to take the first positions from my Nursery classes till I was in Primary 3(1st term), and that was it, it was a wrap! From the first position, I came sixth🙆🏽‍♀️. Ah, kiloshele? Some of the teachers had to call me at the end of the term, to see what could be wrong, but I bet I knew what they were thinking already, “I stopped reading and started playing”🙄🙄. I couldn’t argue but that was obviously not the case🤷🏽‍♀️. I sha thanked them and they made me promise to do better, and I think I meant it. But my better was never as good as it used to be. I had to struggle with the fifth and fourth positions throughout the remaining terms I had. When I graduated from Primary School, I managed to come third with someone else and I felt a little better, at least they called my name so I collected gift too😂.
I was barely 10 when I went to Secondary School. Let’s define it, I was 10 years and 9 days old and it didn’t feel like I was 10. I went to a boarding school and… 😂😂😂. Okay, yeah, I went to a boarding school so the 10 year old me never had my spirit in school, I guess I left it at home. Most times, the only thing that motivated me to start reading was because I didn’t want ‘school fees to burn’ and go to waste😂. Reading had to be the hardest and most annoying thing back them. I never listened in classes, not because I didn’t want to, but because I easily got carried away. I didn’t have friends, so I had to create a friend with my mind. It creates beautiful pictures and happenings and makes you feel like the world belongs to you😇. When it was time to read too, my mind wandered again and we went to beautiful places with those poor books lying helplessly before me🤦🏽‍♀️. Not even exams scared me or prompted me to call my mind back to sanity. I think I sha passed English Language and C.R.S, and a few other subjects throughout my J.S.S 1. When I say pass, I didn’t mean distinctions o😂, I mean ordinary passes, passes that were begging for life… Your girl didn’t do well at all, and that was how I sha later burnt school fees. Your girl had to repeat the class, but the problem was not with repeating the class, what if I had to keep repeating the class over and over again(that was what my parents thought) For me, I wasn’t going back to that school even if I was asked to be promoted😂 Why? (Story for another time)
I changed schools and didn’t repeat class, and I was back at home. Your girl will not read and will be passing subjects anyhow. That became scarier😂 I mean, it felt like there was no competition or anything, I was doing well, far better than a mediocre and I was sincerely satisfied but my parents were not because how would I be passing when I wasn’t reading? (N.B I never passed Maths😂) I can’t count the number of private lessons I had🤦🏽‍♀️ just so I would pass Maths but to no avail! So apart from failing Maths, I could boast of doing well.
I changed schools again🤨, you can’t blame me na. Lol. This time I was already in S.S 2. My first term in that school was horrible😂. It was as if I was back to my first school. Out of 9 subjects, your girl made 2 credits and 7 f9s (A few of the F9s were 40 something o) so Clap for me, abeg😂😂. You know the subjects I passed already na, English and C.R.S✌🏽. Before we left school that day, if my memory serves me right, we were beaten, according to the number of F9s we had. The cane pained me o, but I was less concerned. I was more concerned about what my parents would say. My parents never had me beaten for failing, never! I might be beaten for other things but never for failing. Instead, each time, I got encouraged. My dad, especially would say, Your Cs can become Bs and some of the Fs can become Cs. 2nd term, I failed C.R.S😱😳 and passed Literature in English instead🤦🏽‍♀️… Still on 2 credits and 7 f9s again. Third term came and we were told that to get promoted, we needed to have at least 5/6 credits including Maths and English😂. I knew I was finished. The repeat I didn’t repeat that year was now smiling brightly at me😃😃. But it was too early to give up… I was promoted! On trial? NO! How? I had the six credits😃. That was the first time I impressed myself, and that was about the first time I got determined to do something right; I mean I couldn’t bear to see my school fees burn to ashes na, and I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on my parents’ faces. Sorry, I didn’t cheat😃, I can’t remember ever cheating in school, I was too clumsy to do a perfect job on that, even before it was against my belief. I read and consciously called my mind to real business, I prayed hard and I passed. I targeted clearing 7 subjects, but 6 of them were favourable. So I got rewarded by my parents for doing a good job😊, that’s usually the practice. When you do well, you get encouraged with rewards; could be small but never insignificant.

You can never go wrong with determination. Find a reason to be determined, be purposeful about what you want, and if God has your back, He will definitely not fail you na😂. If it looks like you’re not getting things right, withdraw, pause, pray, replan, then press forward. Determination is not mere wishes, determination is hard work, and you can’t go wrong with it.

To be continued…

“Who will even be friends with you? You think people like you ni, we’re just managing you…” That isn’t the most hurtful words I’ve heard but it has to be one of them. Words like these had me cry secretly. To think that at every stage of my life, I had to meet with a different set of people who acted like they had taken a relay race baton from the previous set of people who hated me, was tiring.
As a kid, I felt loved. I wouldn’t know whether people were pretending to like me or they genuinely did, but being the first child, I think I got the love and the attention I deserved from my parents and the people around us😁. Growing up, and meeting new people, I showed the love I had accumulated to everyone and expected everyone to return their accumulated love too, but ‘issa’ lie! The more I tried to show how much I cared about these people, the more they hated me. As the child I was, I didn’t see anything wrong with me, something had to be wrong with them, they must have accumulated hatred over the years. I even prayed for them innocently to have whatever was worrying them taken away, but they didn’t ‘put their heads under prayer’.
I expected a definite change about this tiring situation as I grew up, but it became worse😭 as there were these special set of people created just to hate me🤷🏽‍♀️. I beat myself up and cried every single time someone publicly showed me they didn’t like me. ‘Kilonshele gan gan’?🤷🏽‍♀️. At a certain point, I could interprete people’s attitude to know if I was bugging them or not. I almost started hating on people if that was going to be a solution, but you know, someone people didn’t like decided not to like people😂😂…it became worse and EVERYTHING about me was affected, my self-esteem(low but manageably fine😃), my pride (if I had one😂), my academics, my relationship with the few people that cared… The only love I felt those times was that of my parents and siblings. The love was real, but that was almost not enough because I wouldn’t be stuck in the house with them forever. I didn’t mind running after people just so they’d accept me, but it looked like my existence was a mistake to them😢. I accepted being hated by people and lived like no one would actually really like me.
I had to relate with people, but how would I, when these people wouldn’t talk to me🤦🏽‍♀️. During my undergraduate days, I managed to locate a few of my coursemates on the first day I resumed but you needed to see how everyone ignored me😂😂I was asking questions but I didn’t get a single answer, I told myself that my voice wasn’t loud enough for them to hear me even though that was an obvious lie, I had to console myself😁. I got home and reported to my parents, and I can’t remember all they said but I remembered they prayed for me and with me. The situation got a little better as I got a few people who didn’t really push me away, I was grateful for that but I wasn’t too comfortable because it looked like I was forcing myself on them.
A couple of years later, someone I knew used to have many friends had a fight with some of her friends, and in her words, those friends were only pretending to care about her. Okay, so even people that looked perfect still had people pretending to care about them. So what is my own stress? Why should I injure myself because you don’t like me? Then, I learnt that even people who seemed to be perfect have people secretly plotting against them. I constantly said to myself “If you don’t like me, then it’s your loss🤷🏽‍♀️ why should I suffer because you don’t like me?” At first that didn’t sound real and it sounded like I was just mocking myself😂😂, but I discovered I had a problem, I didn’t like myself, how then will people like me?🤦🏽‍♀️ I decided to like and accept myself, it was the first step I took; I then accepted the love shown by a few people and I’ve been living. I still have people who don’t like me, and sincerely, I almost get bothered sometimes, but the love I get from people appears too real to be bothered by people whose care wouldn’t even feed me, what should I do with their hatred then? Jealousy is usually the cause of hatred. If people keep hating you when you’re still human, it must be that they don’t have something you have. If you think they hate you because you are abnormal and they are normal, then it has to be the other way round because normal people do not behave abnormally😁. They can pity abnormal people and look for ways to help them if they want to but never despising them. If I see you giving me attitude, I sincerely pray for you because it must mean you’re going through a lot❤️.
If you’re living the kind of life that won’t attract people to you, you shouldn’t blame them if they are trying to push you away tho’😂. Make a change first, and deal with people’s hatred later.

It doesn’t matter or not if you’re perfect, everyone cannot and will not always like you. Even our perfect God isn’t loved by some of His creations. It’s okay if some people do not like you, it only matters that God loves you, you love yourself and a few genuine people love you. Appreciate the few people who care about you and see how they mean the world to you. You will live✌🏽😁❤️.

To be continued…